Late last week, a member of Christ Community who suffers from a chronic, debilitating disease shared a deeply personal, candid look at disability in the life of a Christian. He gave me permission to share it with his church. [This was originally posted on Christina’s blog. You can follow it for regular updates as they walk with this crushing illness.]

I hope you find this as challenging as I did. From Cam:

“Recently I was talking to a good friend who said, ‘How are you not angry with God for allowing this to happen to you? I think if I were in your situation I would have a really hard time trusting or having faith in Him and His providence.’ My first response was to laugh a little, but then I explained that I don’t really have much of a choice whether or not I trust in Him because God is all I really have left to hope and trust in.

When something like this happens to you it strips away everything that you once had “faith” or hope in that you took for granted as constants or guarantees:

• that your body will function normally: that you will have the ability to walk, sit upright, stand, make meals for yourself, drive a car, exercise, go on vacations or trips, do the physical tasks required by your job, etc.
• that your brain will function normally: that you will be able to speak or write what you are thinking, that you will be able to remember things, that you will be able to do simple math or read aloud, that you will be able to concentrate, that you will be able to perform the cognitive tasks necessary for your job, etc.
• that you can participate in normal relationships: that you will be able to hang out or do any sort of activity with friends, go out to eat or on a date, talk to people on the phone, etc.

These are all things that most people have total faith, hope, and reliance on without any knowledge of it whatsoever until it is taken away. When all of those things that you have faith in and rely on are taken away, what choices do you really have in regard to trusting in God’s providence and will? You really only have two choices. The first, like Job’s wife suggested, is to “curse God and die” (Job 2:9) because you have lost all self-reliance and hope in yourself. The second, now that you have been stripped of almost all self-reliance, is to turn to Christ and have child-like reliance and hope in Him for everything, just as we should, for “unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:3-4). To me it seems that those are really the only options and the choice is clear: I have nothing, no power or ability; God has everything, is all powerful and sustains all things (Acts 17:25, Hebrews 1:3, Colossians 1:17, Isaiah 40:26, Nehemiah 9:6), so my Hope and Trust must be in Him.

Although this disease has made my life more difficult in almost every way, it has made trusting in Christ and longing for eternity with Him much easier because He is all I have. Many of the earthly things that I used to care about such as success, intellectual ability, or physical strength have all been stripped away and exposed for what they are – temporary, fleeting, worldly things that are essentially meaningless from an eternal view – and should only be pursued for Christ’s sake that you might better serve Him and do His will, not for anyone else including yourself, “lest you say in your heart, ‘My power and the might of my hand have gotten me this…’” (Deuteronomy 8:17).

But, sometimes I am angry and question what God is doing in my life. I hope not in a sinful way, but in the way that many of the psalms of lament are written with questioning, “why God?” but ultimately praising Him for His love, grace, mercy, goodness, and love – knowing that He has my story all worked out for the best and for His glory (Rom 8:28)… I just can’t see the whole picture yet. (See Mark Talbot’s discussion of the Psalms of lament)

As an exhortation to others, I know many of you have good theology and therefore would agree whole-heartedly that God’s power sustains all things, but do you really believe it? Do you believe that you could be healthy today and become totally disabled tomorrow? Do you really believe that your ~100,000 heart beats per day is a gift from God – every single one of them? Do you really believe that God sustains the trillions of cells in your body with their myriads of connections, constant communications, and endless chemical reactions – all just so that you feel normal? Are you “groaning…waiting eagerly for redemption” (Romans 8:23) and eternity with Christ or are you pretty satisfied and comfortable with your life now?

I hope and pray that I, and all others undergoing suffering, will be able to say with Paul, Romans 8:18-30:

‘For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.'”