CCC Gainesville | Blog
Sunday we’ll baptize Michelle Clarkson. Here is her story.
I like plans. If you walk into my room, you’ll see post its everywhere with lists and schedules because I like to feel I have control of what I am doing. However, coming to Florida was never part of my plan. When people ask me why I came from New York to Gainesville for school, I always feel like they are expecting a really good answer, but the truth is I don’t have one. The only reason I can think of as of why I ended up in this emptiness of a city at a school dominated by football is that God put me here to find Him.
When I was eleven I figured that God had simply forgotten about me because I was not good enough for any father to love. I hid from Him because to me this seemed easier than accepting that He had allowed my life to turn into what it had become. I was angry not because of the pain I was feeling, but because of how much my family was suffering and I refused to believe it had any purpose. When my Grandmother died a week after my younger sister was diagnosed with cancer, any bit of faith I did have was lost. No one in my family is saved, so it was not hard to exile God from my life. For years I lived just trying to make it to the next day, simply existing and pushing forward. Part of me never thought I would make it to college, and the other part of me knew that if I did, I would need to stay home so I could continue to raise my younger siblings. They were the light in my life and the only ones that kept me going when all I wanted to do was give up.
When it came time to apply to colleges, my grandparents who live in Florida told me I had to apply to one in the same state at them. Because I never imagined going that far from home, I googled “universities in Florida” and picked the first one that appeared. I spent a total of thirty minutes working on the application, not even rereading my essay, and hit submit. I really do not know what happened in between that moment and the day I agreed to come here; I know there were pro and cons lists involved and multiple panic attacks but through it all, the only school I saw myself going to was the one that was two miles from my house.
As cliché as it is coming from a freshman, my first weeks here were miserable. Every minute all I thought about was how much of a mistake I made and how badly I needed to be home. The first time my brother called and begged me to come back to him, I started packing my boxes. During the midst of my packing frenzy, Brooke, who lived two doors down from me came into my room and asked me if I wanted to go to RUF that night with her. Although we had talked about it before I said no because I thought that I was too much of a mess and not enough of a Christian. I guess that wasn’t a good enough answer for her as she got my shoes from the closet and pulled me out the door with her. As we reached the building where it was held I panicked, there were too many people and too many opportunities for them to judge me. Although I cried throughout most of the message, the words touched my soul and changed everything about me. I do not know any way to describe how much my life changed since that night, all I know is that for the first time I kind of understand a tiny part of God’s plan, and see why I needed to be here in Gainesville; for finding Him literally saved my life.
I could sit here and ramble about how good God is, but the truth is, I am still discovering that for myself each day. As I read through the Bible, each story is new and each verse embeds itself in my heart in a different way. While there are days where my faith may waiver I know with every fiber of my being that Jesus Christ is my savior and it is for Him that I want to live my life. Without Him, I would be nothing, nor would I have made it through those years when every day seemed like a struggle. Although it was impossible to see at the time, I know now that I had to be as broken as I was so that He could put me back together the right way and make me the person I am today, and for that I owe every part of my life.
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